The Black Hole of Alaska

Who would have thought I could get an Alaskan sun tan? Waiting for the train to arrive we had enough time to fall asleep in the sun for an hour or so. It was a pleasant day to catch a train north to our next destination – The city of Fairbanks.
The train crawls out of the mountain region and soon down in to the never ending forests and swamps of the interior. Catching the last glimpse of Denali as we head pass the small town of Healy which was made famous by Christopher ‘In to the Wild’ McCandless.
We pass hectares upon hectares of trees that had been destroyed by years of relentless forest fires in this region. It’s so remote it’s impossible for the fire services to tackle many of this forest fires.

Unlike Anchorage, Fairbanks is not really known for it’s beauty and in the Lonely Planet they say and I quote “The best thing about Fairbanks is when you leave Fairbanks”. This is way too harsh, sure it’s not the prettiest city with it’s endless strip malls & industrial areas in the world but I’ve been to far worse and in fact the two days we were there I can say we had some of the best nights of the whole trip.

Making the mundane in to the beautiful.

Let me cast your mind back to this blog post. The reason I bring this up is because we were meeting up with my bunk buddy Chad, who I drunkenly promised: That one day we would get drunk again but next time would be in his home town. Being a man of my word that time had come so let carnage commence.
He picked us up from the train station in the Clunge-mobile and we headed off to our hostel to drop our gear off (i’m seeing a pattern emerge here).
Drinking on a empty stomach is never a good idea and that night it was proved to be a fatal move for all three of us.
We enter the first bar which in Guy’s words “It looks like the bar out of Terminator 2″. heavily bearded men in Alaska’s finest fashions – trucker caps, flannel shirts and Carhartt jeans – huddle around the pool table listening to the classic rock and the latest country hits blasting from the juke box. A lively, ‘mountainous’ bar maid keeps the drinks flowing for the emo and rock kids 21 year olds that prop up the bar.
Much to his own amusement, In his rather poor impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Guy keeps dropping in “I want your clothes your boots and your motorcycle” at every chance he gets.
Jager bombs and multiple beers and introducing Chad to Britain’s finest ‘The Vodka & Coke’ it was enough fuel to get us on our way to the next port of call. Kodiak Jacks.
For us Brits and I guess Europeans the idea of a rodeo bar & country dancing club is rather alien to say the least. I have never experienced a place like it and to be honest I don’t think I ever will again, not to say it wasn’t fun, it was bloody great. The club was huge and it was easy to get lost in the multiple bars, a giant dance floor equipped with a mechanical bull and more TVs dotted around than you could shake a stick at. The place was full up with locals, Students and shaven heads G.I’s from the local military base.

The DJ, well in to his 50s looms over the dance floor with god-like statues and suddenly drops a top country hit (So i’m told) to the roar of the people beneath him. The dance floor suddenly fills up with a wash of cowboy hats, jeans and polished belt buckles. Guy and I stand at the side of the dance floor feeling well out of our depth and almost falling in to a trance, gazing at the sea of bodies all in perfect rhythm with each other performing same lead-footed line dancing moves. It was the most surreal dance i have ever seen. I felt like I was watching a tribe in a unfamiliar land getting ready for a sacrifice. Basically, we were in the shit and images from my country dancing at school came flooding back in to my head.
Now, from this point on, we had either been sucked in to a black hole or abducted by aliens as the next thing I know it’s morning and i’m back at the hostel with all my clothes on. Guy, in the same boat as me and god knows where Chad was?
After breakfast (A very late breakfast) of Milkshakes and burgers… Ok, ok, you could call it lunch as we tried to piece last nights events together. This is what we came up with.

• We saw a bunch of US marines throwing darts at each other. When Guy questioned them they laughed and said did he want a go.
• I tried to learn some slick high five moves with a bunch of marines. Much their amusement.
• In the 8 or so years of known Guy I had never seen him dance…. until tonight, there he is, on the dance floor being taught a line dance to achy breaky heart by some 6 foot blonde girl.
• Where is Chad?
• Guy was racily abused by a couple of marines next to him when he was ordered a drink at the bar: Overheard “Marine 1, This place is full of fucking Australians”, Marine 2 “yeah, it’s starting to piss me off”. At least if your racially abuse some one, get the right bloody country first.
• We get kicked out of the club, hang on… let me rephrase that. Guy gets us kicked out of the club for falling asleep at the bar.
• I spend a gut wrenching $200 in one night. Now, that is not clever at all.
• Where is Chad?
• I find an email address in my wallet written on a scrap piece of paper. Who was it? Nobody knows.
• I have vague memories of eating in a diner. Guy on the other hand was asleep at the table.
• For all we knew the Northern Lights were out that night but being so smashed there was no chance of seeing them.

The High 5 Machine

The Jerry Springer All Stars? Question is, did I take the photo? Chad, Guy’s dance teacher and Guy.

Guy trying to eat his midnight snack.

The hangover subsided and we thought it was wise to go shopping. And what a shop we ended up in. Fred Meyer, the one stop shop. Now for all you yanks reading this you are probably thinking why is this such a big deal? Sure, we have our Tesco and Asda super markets, but our super markets don’t sell a varied array of weapons including assault rifles and for the hunters wife – A pink shot gun with matching pink leather holster. We also thought it was time to embrace the Alaskan culture and buy Carhartt gear, Trucker caps and a Sarah Palin calender.

Fresh Meat

Do you want to be my friend?

You would, wouldn’t you?

Evening was bearing down on us once again and we found ourselves drinking, this time in the University of Alaska’s campus bar, happily named ‘The Pub’. Pitches of beer passing around the table as we were introduced to Chad’s friends. Henri from Estonia and Erik from Sweden. It was another large night with us ending up once again at Kodiak Jacks. At first they wouldn’t let us in as we didn’t have our passports but a quick slip around the back entrance and we were in. I love the fact we were two minutes of stepping inside the club and the bar maid recognised us from the previous night “You guy’s were awesome last night, you looked like you were having so much fun”. Phew! At least we know that we weren’t causing that much trouble then.
Much of the silliness as the night before but this time we rode the mechanical bull. I lasted about 8 seconds, Guy and Erik about 20 and with Henri winning but breaking his thumb on impact it was hard to see if he was the winner or looser out of the bunch of us. Again… Where was Chad?
One thing I did notice about that night were the amount of people getting kicked out of the club, It was like being on an episode of Jerry Springer. And the worst offenders by far were girls fighting over their men. To be honest it was like being back in Colchester, Essex on a Saturday night…. just with more tattoos and beards.

Me and my Alaskan Twin, he was a good old lad.

A bright Sunday morning and our final day in Fairbanks. The idea today is to go camping with Chad, Erik and Henri somewhere in the Denial region. After buying supplies (Meat and Drink) we jumped in Chad’s Clungemobile we set off back down south to the Denial Highway. A grave for nearly all the 135 miles long road it links the two main highways in Alaska together.
We pull off the road after a few miles and find a tremendous camping spot next to the Nenana River. We set up the tents, build a fire and generally chilled out admiring the stunning scenery around us. Chad’s BBQ ribs went down a treat as too did the Crown Royal rum with it’s almost ‘creamy’ taste.
Watching Guy trying to eat a hot dog which he dropped in the fire and Chad falling asleep like a porn star were two of the many funny highlights from the night. But the thing that tops them and I guaranty I shall never have a conversation like it again, and if I do then I’ll buy you all a pint of beer.
A 4×4 pulls up to our camp and a shadowy figure emerges from the drivers side.
“Hey Guys” we could only see the silhouette of him as he stood in front of his lights. “Can you get to the river down there?”.
“Yup, there is a path leading right down to it over there”.
“Awesome” Excited voice “I’ll be back tomorrow morning, I have to float a moose down the river to here”.
Now, they are the exact words I want coming out of a hunters mouth in Alaska. You just don’t get conversations like that in London, not even close.

It was well in to the start of dawn before we crashed out for a couple of hours. For me this was the best night of the whole two weeks, so many great memories.
Things couldn’t get any stranger when we woke up to find a man standing in the camp waiting for his friend and the moose to come down the river. This might sound a bit far fetched and something out of a horror film but he was wearing an eye patch and wearing a yellow fisherman jacket. I kid you not, Alaska really is like nowhere on this planet.

Our camp.

Back to nature.

The Porn Star pose. I kid you not, he is asleep.

The campers: Guy, Erik, me, Henri & Chad.

The Nenana River.

We pile in to the Clunge-mobile and head to the small town of Cantwell on the edge of Denial Park. From here Chad, Erik and Henri would be heading back to Fairbanks and we would be heading south to Anchorage. How were we going to get there? The only way stupid backpackers know….. We would hitch hike.

One Response to “The Black Hole of Alaska”

1. Chad says:

   October 28, 2009 at 10:21 pm

   Sam I loved this. Thank you for taking the time and energy to write these awesome blogs. I have read a lot of them and I have really enjoyed them all.

   Anxiously awaiting for upcoming entries.